Amusement

I wish I could find some. This has been a grueling week around my house. I’m sleeping in 45 minute stretches and burning calories around the clock. A night hasn’t gone by where laundry wasn’t started in the wee hours of the morning. And my Beloved hasn’t had any solid food since Monday at noon. She can’t afford to lose weight. She only weighs about 28 pounds as it is.

I wasn’t quite asleep last night when I heard the Little Munch crying on the monitor. I went running, because I am still in Emergency Response Mode. Good thing I was fast because there was complete carnage. Really? She started this whole thing. How do you get sick, get well, and then get sick again? I guess this shouldn’t baffle me. There is a word they made up just for this one thing: Relapse.

Can you tell I haven’t slept? This is really boring and poorly written. Sheeee.

So I went to CVS last night to purchase a card and a few little things for Teacher Appreciation Week. When I got to the check out counter, the cashier said, “If you purchase 2 more cards, you get one of our sprays for free.” And she waved her hand along the display of sprays in metal colored canisters, like the girl who did not get hired when they hired Vanna White.

“No, thanks,” I said. “I really don’t have any more cards to buy.” It sure seemed like that should have ended the matter. But it didn’t.

“It doesn’t have to be Mother’s Day,” the girl said. “It can be any type of cards. Birthday….graduation…” She was waiting. Waiting for me to get an Aha Card Buying Inspiration. Waiting for me to say, “Oh wait. I forgot about the other 2 cards I need. Let me go stand in that card aisle for another 20 minutes, grimacing because your choices are so terrible and your poetry makes me want to give into the stomach virus that is raging inside my house.”  I didn’t have that moment. And I didn’t say any of that. Instead, I just said,

“No, thanks. I don’t need the cards.” Again, this was a matter-ending statement. There was no opening for more spray talk. Except that she kept going.

“Well, would you like to buy one of our sprays? I think they are $1.99.”

I was now completely confused by this line of questioning. My face took on a mask of bewilderment and horror. What? How could you still think I want a spray? This isn’t just a problem with your bad cards and me not wanting to go all the way to the back of the store to pick out two more. This is a situation where I.Don’t.Want.Spray. In fact, I have no idea, to this moment, what the spray even was. What kind of spray? Breath spray? Under Arm Enchantment Spray? Pheromones? What? What is so magical about this spray?

She finally gave it up and just rang me up for the Andes Mints I wanted. Seriously.

And then I laid down and entered the Vortex I can’t seem to shake. I was up most of the night. Some of that was spent holding a bowl under Beloved’s chin. Some of it was spent running up and down the stairs to help the Loose Cannon. And some of it was spent doing laundry.

I bet if I had just gotten the spray this wouldn’t still be happening. You think?