On December 8, 2017, I lost my mom. She died of Alzheimer’s. I am 48 and a mother of 4 myself. In a sense, I don’t still need a mother. In another sense, and probably the only one that counts, I will always need my mother. I will always want to call her on the first day of school or when a kid gets his driver’s license or gets a part in a play with more than 3 words. I will always be grateful for the things she gave me.
We tend to immortalize the dead as better than they were. There is no human that does not create a wake of messes for others to clean up at some point. I’m doing my part, I can assure you. My mother was no different. She could yell at us when our rooms looked like an FBI ransacking. She could give us the stink eye when what we needed was mercy. And she didn’t like talking on the phone about nothing. When I was homesick, away in college, I really did want to talk more. About nothing. Like I do now.
But she almost always came back and apologized when she had been too hard on us. And she was the first one to laugh when reaching over the front seat to pop my misbehaving brother with a comb (I certainly never misbehaved) and the comb flew out of her hand and smacked the backseat window. She wasn’t perfect. But she was my mother.
In August of 2015, she received the official Alzheimer’s diagnosis. To my knowledge, she is the only one in my family to have ever had the disease. Apparently the disease did not care that we had no family history. It did its thing anyway.
We were lucky that she never forgot our names. She never saw me enter a room when she did not know that it was me and that my name was Missy. But she lost the ability to laugh at herself and others. And she lost her zing along the way.
Every now and then, I am looking for something else and I stumble upon something I jotted down or typed on a random day dealing with Alzheimer’s. Today I was looking through some notes and found this. I don’t know if it was an intro to something or an odd attempt at poetry. I don’t remember what was behind my writing it. Either way, it took me back and made me gratefully melancholy for what I had and still have in my mother.
Daughter of Another Mother
I have to go meet my mom. Only she’s not there. She’s not where I left her. And she’s not where she told me she’d be. She’s not where I’ve looked for her. She’s lost; locked away behind her diagnosis. Alzheimer’s. She’s locked in a room where I haven’t been able to find her. That’s what I keep thinking. But she’s still here. She is still “findable,” I’ve just been looking in the wrong places. I’ve been trying to find her where she was. Where she should be. I’ve been trying to bring her out. To me. But she can’t come to me. I have to go to her. I have to meet her where she is and on her terms. If I ever want to see my mother again, I have to set aside the person she used to be. And I have to set aside the person I am right now. If I can change myself enough and allow her to be changed already, then we can sit down in her room together and be. Just be. Because right now, that’s all there is.
**Though written in present tense, NONE of this post was
written while driving my car. I write in my head. And then I spend an
inordinate amount of time in a car line typing out what was in my head.**
I am driving–following clouds that are gray and swollen
with a threat they likely won’t deliver. I’m okay with that, because it has only
rained for the last 7 days. The ground and my attitude have had enough for now.
I am in the car again. I spend a lot of time in the car lately and haven’t
handled it with as much grace as I would like. If your kids are having to talk
you down from road rage, you might need to choose another path. Mom, please.
Chill. Mom, what good does it do to talk to all these drivers? Mom, please don’t
say anything to that person? Mom, no.
I may have a bit of a problem. The last time I remember
feeling this uptight in the car, I was 34. To fight the urge to punch people, I
memorized Romans 12 and recited it to myself when I was frustrated. I learned
to bless people who cursed me. I liberally assigned pulling out in front of me
or ripping past 42 cars (one of which was me) going 60 miles per hour so you
can “merge” in front of them as a person “cursing me.” It’s a loose
interpretation, but it helped me off the ledge. People turn into feral dogs
when it comes to merging in a construction zone. Goodness.
So I’m playing a lot of Jim Brickman and rememorizing Romans
12. And with the time I sit in the car waiting for kids, I read, write, and
I see a lot of people as I drive and I am always paying
attention. I see the world in pictures. Behind every picture is a story as
complicated as mine. From a stoplight, I can see a man hunched over on a bench.
He waits for the bus, with his elbows against his knees. He holds up a world of
trouble by just his thumbs, as he leans against them with his eyes closed. Did
he not sleep last night? Is he praying? I turn right as I pass him and I drive
away from his story, whatever it happens to be.
There are stories everywhere. In the strange house that has been added to, piece by piece, until it looks like an apartment from 1963 and the Winchester house had a baby on the banks of the Hillsborough River. In the rotted-out van parked out front of a house advertising computer sales and repair. In the bus driver that is pacing the sidewalk in front of her bus as she waits for the kids to load. In the man that jaywalks through traffic, wearing a loaded backpack, carrying a bag in one hand and an umbrella in the other. He has enough on his person to be homeless, but otherwise looks like an accountant. In the eyes of the girl that scoops my daughter’s ice cream.
Everyone has a story. But sometimes I can’t see past my own
to care about theirs. When I get mad at the inconsiderate mergers, I am mad
because I think they put their story above mine. They merged their story in
front of mine. When I bark orders in the middle school car line that no one
but my exasperated daughters will hear, I am barking to make my story heard
over theirs. But in that moment, as I grumble angrily inside my van, no one
wants to hear my story over another’s. By griping and trying to get ahead, I’ve
made my own story one that even I don’t want to read. And if I don’t want to
read it, it’s a sure bet no one else will.
So on the 7th day of school, at the end of this
day, I am forcing my own intervention. I am slowing down. I am breathing
deeply, though I am not doing it when and how my smart-mouthed Apple watch
suggests. I am looking for the stories in
others and attempting to read them with more mercy and grace.
And I am acknowledging that we are all unfinished stories. But everyone’s story will end at some point. And I’d like mine to end not in a fiery wreck or a local headline accompanied by jail time, but on a balcony in New York City with a pudding cup in my lap and the sounds of someone else’s road rage chiming like bells in the streets down below.
I take dares. I’m not terribly discriminating about the dares I take if there’s money involved. Some people think of it as gambling. I think of it as making $600 an hour if I could just get consistent dare-type work. So far the work hasn’t been consistent.
There is a mass of people that look at a dare and furrow their brows and think to themselves, “No way I’m doing that.” That’s not me, obviously. I will consider anything as long as there’s no moral shame involved and a minimal chance of arrest or infection. The way I see it, this is my opportunity to rise above a life of status quo. Of mediocrity. It is my chance to grossly exceed expectations. When a person dares me to do something, they are really saying, “I’ll give you x to do y, because I don’t think you’ll do it.” It’s my chance to do it with gusto and make a little something on the side. It’s an honest living.
I was trying to sleep in the middle school car line, with my
car seat fully reclined and my alarm set for 3:18 p.m., so there’d be no
honking horns or embarrassing moments, when I began thinking of the trail of
dares that stretches out behind me. I have some moments of radiant glory. I
also have some moments of regret.
A couple of years ago at our annual famping trip, my friend, Brent, was suffering with plantar fasciitis, as I am now. He spent a fair amount of his porch relaxation with his foot stuck in a white, plastic cooler that was half full of ice. Over the course of a couple of days, that ice melted to ice water. And by the end of the third day, it looked every bit of the foot water that it was. That’s when the dare came to life. I normally work for about $600 an hour, which breaks down to $10 per 60 seconds. How much I charge depends on the length of time a task will take and the level of intensity or disgust.
Approximately 20 years ago, the lobby of our local Red Lobster contained a lobster tank that was situated between the bathrooms and the maître d stand. I don’t know what possessed my friend to think of this, but upon standing there too long as we waited to be seated in the middle of a Sunday lunch crowd, she said, “I’ll give you ten bucks to put on the mask and snorkel and wear it for a full 60 seconds.” I looked over at the lobster tank to see what she was talking about. The tank was decorated with a dingy looking snorkel set, which was perched and hanging over the side.
“Deal,” I said without much delay. I mean, it was 60
seconds. ONE MINUTE. That almost felt like I was stealing from her.
“I’ll start the timer,” she said as I walked over to the
tank. Todd became a tad alarmed at this, as he doesn’t share my love for getting
rich by taking dares. But it got away from him before he could reel it back and
I was standing at the lobster tank before anyone realized what was about to
I leaned over the tank, pulled the mask over my eyes and put the snorkel into my mouth. Elaine started the clock.
I got this, I thought to myself. 60 seconds. The moment that timer started, my friends scattered. Todd, Elaine, Brent. I was left there with my thoughts, which were darker than I expected. My head was tethered pretty tightly to the tank, but I managed to look toward my right. When I did, there were two Red Lobster employees at the maître d stand staring back at me. Their looks were a cocktail of confusion and contempt. I looked away as quickly as I could.
At this point, I considered bailing. I could take off the
mask and snorkel and be done, but then I’d have to live with the knowledge that
I did something really disgusting and received nothing in return. I couldn’t go
How LONG is 60 seconds? And where did everybody go? I wonder who the last person was that put this snorkel in their mouth. I hope they didn’t have tuberculosis. Maybe it’s never been in another mouth. Maybe it was bought new for the sole purpose of hanging over this tank. Or maybe it was taken off the dead body of a shallow diver. It tasted way too old to be new. I couldn’t believe how alone I felt in that lobby and how long it seemed that I stood there. The smell of murky fish water was curdling in my stomach. The only thing that could make this worse would be throwing up into the tank of live lobsters.
When it seemed like I was halfway into a life sentence, Elaine
walked back over and said, “OK, you’re done,” and I yanked my equipment off and
placed it carefully against the side of the tank again. Then I attempted not to
make eye contact with anyone who had watched this go down. That night at
church, I passed Elaine on the way to my pew and held out my hand. She slapped
a crisp $10 bill into my palm and said, “You earned it.”
And that’s why I like dares.
Getting $10 to soak myself at Busch Gardens was a much lower-paying, higher-suffering gig. I was forced into the fountains of Jungala wearing jeans and sneakers and forced back in when I was deemed “not wet enough yet” by the friend who was paying. I was cold for the next 3 hours and had to eat at Taco Bell, still fully drenched from a bet that wouldn’t even pay for my dinner. Although I made $600 per hour with the snorkel, I was reduced to about $3.33 on the Busch Gardens water stunt.
But back to the white cooler and the foot water.
A bet was forming that weekend on that porch that was going
to be a pretty lucrative situation. When it began to take shape, I was a hard
no on the matter. It was a lot of water. Flavored by feet. But there were
others involved that wanted to see this happen and a pool began to form. Before
I knew it, that pool was up to $200. I mean, that’s a lot of money. But Todd
has suffered many times in the background of my shenanigans. And this time, he
was very much on top of it.
“Wait a second, what is this?” he asked, as he caught wind
of the dare and the cash reward.
“I’ve offered Missy $200 to drink this cooler of foot water,”
Brent said. Others chimed in that they were helping with the financial portion.
argued. “NO.” He looked at me with a hint of exasperation. “I’ll give
you $200 NOT to.”
Aww. Man. It was really important to my family that I not take this dare. But $200. But also, foot water.
Ultimately, I did not take that dare. And no one paid me
$200 not to take it. So of course, I sit here in a middle school car line with
an aching right foot, thinking about foot water, and planning what I would do
I like to think I would make a hefty deposit on a new mountain bike. But I think it’s more likely the money would go toward something practical. Like a new cooler, because I’ve been told I need to ice my right foot. If I do, I’ll end up with my very own vat of foot water—which I would tell you to dare me to drink except that I’m pretty sure you can’t afford me.
Every May, I find myself gasping for air as I dry-heave my
way through a maze of paperwork, final exams, piles of clothing in which there could
be a lost library book, and graduation requirements.
And I’m not the one in school.
School was always my thing, though. I was good at it. I wasn’t
the smartest kid in class by any stretch. But I was a kid who had a knack for
figuring out the requirements and meeting them. Now I’m navigating that
territory as a parent. I think it would be far easier to just take the classes
After my desperate sprint to the end-of-school finish line last
May, we flopped down in our favorite spots and celebrated the onset of a well-deserved
period of relaxation. Summer.
This particular summer flew away faster than any in recent
memory. It was perforated with so many camps, trips, weekend events, etc, that
the little blocks of time between seemed to vaporize before we could react.
Today, summer officially ended.
I mourned for about 15 minutes. And then I thought about the
things I love that follow a new school year.
High school football on Friday nights with a kid on quads in the marching band.
College football on Saturdays.
Pro football on Sundays. (I really love football.)
Long shadows falling across the back yard as the days get shorter.
Being shoved ridiculously and aggressively into every holiday by retailers.
This year, I have kids in grades 6, 8, 10, and 12. It is
only a transition year for the youngest. It is always a transition year for
someone. When I found myself expecting my fourth child, my hairdresser spoke
about my future with doom and disdain. Just wait, he told me. The boys will
play baseball and the girls will be in cheerleading and you’ll have to divide
and conquer. You and your husband will never be at the same event again. Ever.
I fired that guy. I couldn’t afford him anyway.
I got around the baseball thing by convincing the boys that
our family wasn’t athletically gifted. I got around the cheerleading thing,
because I hate cheerleading. The girls didn’t know it was a thing until it was
far too late.
I haven’t figured out how to get around the back-to-school
It’s easier with no one in elementary school. The supply
lists are less of a problem. Instead of a list being the length of 3 CVS
receipts, they are more like 6 or 8 items long. But the problem with the lists
now is that I don’t get them until 2 days before school starts. That’s what led
me to Walmart at 2 p.m. yesterday. The day before school started.
There were a lot of people at Walmart. Most of them were
shopping for school supplies. I had already decided that I was not going to
stress about anything I couldn’t find. I was not going to fight for a parking
place. And I was not going to get mad. At anyone or about anything.
It actually went pretty well. At one point, I made eye
contact with a boy who looked to be about Jenna’s age. He was on a cell phone
and pushing a cart one-handed. There were a few spiral notebooks and a binder
in his cart. I had a fleeting thought that he should hang up the phone and put
two hands on his cart, but I forced the thought away and kept moving. As I was
checking out an hour later, I saw that boy again. He was standing one cash
register over, counting some money for the cashier to pay for the things I had
seen in his cart. He had bought his own school supplies. I have no idea where
his guardians were. Maybe it was someone sitting out in a car. Maybe a handicap
person. Maybe a person who is rightfully terrified of Walmart the day before
school starts back. All I know is that he stood there alone doing a job that
could unravel the best of adults. And I wish him the best first day of school
Toward the end of yesterday, I was on the phone with a
friend checking in to see how her kids were handling the night-before stress. I
had not finished my sentence that mine were handling it fine when a text came
in from a child requesting permission to shave their arms. Since I was sitting
in the driveway in my car, I texted back NO and ran inside to head off the
beginnings of the first and only crisis.
“My arms are so bad,” she said. “They are so hairy.” She was
crying. It might have been funny if it hadn’t been so pitiful.
“Your arms are perfectly normal,” I said. “And let me assure
you of something: arm stubble is a heap worse than arm hair. Even if you looked
like a yeti, which you don’t. You want a 5-o’clock shadow on your arms?”
We got through the crisis by pointing out that I survived
middle school and my problems were far greater than a little arm hair. I had
enough hair on my head to stuff a household of straw mattresses. It was like
the nest of an osprey. My eyebrows were a burly affair and were competing for
attention just north of my very large duck lips and a mouth full of braces. Honestly,
I don’t know how I got through that. My mother sent Christmas card photos
during those years.
“So, see?” I said to Jenna as she smiled and wiped her nose.
“It could be so much worse. Compared to me, you got it going on.”
“Yeah,” she agreed. “You were pretty bad.”
For every parent and every kid out there starting school
this week or soon, I hope it’s fantastic. It won’t be perfect. If your arms are
a little hairier than you would like, be thankful you have arms. If your
supplies are a little bulky in your backpack, be grateful you didn’t have to
one-arm a cart through a maze of shoppers and pay for them yourself.
And if you look in the mirror on your way out the door one of these mornings and you don’t like what you see, I still got you beat. And you’ll survive. But I think we can all do a good deal better than that.
There are plenty of mundane things in an otherwise exciting and fulfilling life like I consider mine to be. And these things may be mundane, but you still have to do them. I’d rather sustain a goose egg to the forehead than go back-to-school shopping. But the kids are going back to school. And they can’t go naked. So we shopped.
And speaking of goose eggs, about the time I got stupid and bought Vans, which are clearly designed for flat-footed 15-year-olds, my feet got old. Like Plantar Fasciitis old. Like compression sock/brace-wearing old. Ordering special insoles is mundane. But this week, I had to do it. Because I’m not going to stop running around Busch Gardens with my kids, even if it hurts to do it.
And speaking of Busch Gardens, we were on our way out the door on Monday night. Not to Busch Gardens, but to Skate Night. Skate Night is a thing where a whole bunch of nice nerds get together every Monday night from 7-10 and skate. Kids from 2 years to 20 years are out on the same rink. Some parents join in. I did on occasion until a 5 year old took me out (years ago) from behind. My behind was 4 weeks recovering from that. Now I just watch.
On Monday night we were leaving for Skate Night particularly early to meet some friends for dinner. I was having a little trouble with my right foot and had to think through my footwear a little more than usual. Because I’ve been purging every corner of the house, I don’t own very many shoes these days. I had two pair of Vans that were cute as buttons, but I gave those to my daughter. Because pain. So I’m down some shoes. And something made me throw on my old Crocs on my way out the door, because Crocs are back in. And I like to be in. Except for Vans. I was crossing the garage in my Crocs to get in the car when my 15-year-old who is too cool for school and many other places stopped in his tracks. And he gestured so that I would stop in my tracks also.
“Uh, you can’t wear those out,” he said, very politely and matter-of-factly.
“Why not?” I asked genuinely. “They’re back in.”
“Not those,” he answered. “Not for you.”
My self-esteem has taken quite a hit lately. I manage it okay. I embrace the nerd part of my personality that still relishes in the long-deceased authors of my youth. I know my kids’ friends like me enough to come around. I don’t care too much what they think about my outfit choices. But I’m not dead. I do care a little.
It’s the middle kids giving me trouble. They live together in the Middle. The conspire together in the Middle. They fight with each other in the Middle. And they come at me from the Middle. The Middle is a whole thing. I think it’s probably a hard thing in some ways. And I’d be tempted to feel sorry for them except that I don’t have time for that. I’m too busy dodging what they hurl at me from the Middle.
As I stood there in the garage, reluctantly accepting that the Crocs were a mistake for Skate Night, I had to come up with an alternative.
“Listen,” I responded. “It’s this or my Keens.” Clearly that wasn’t the right answer, because the female Middle said,
“What about your black flip flops?”
I have been trying to avoid flip flops this week.
“Those are up in my room and I don’t want to go back for them,” I answered. We were in a hurry. Tampa traffic was a nightmare on Monday.
“I’ll grab ’em for you,” my son said and dashed back in the house like he was being chased. I’ve never had a child run an errand for me with more speed or enthusiasm. He returned 40 seconds later with my flip flops. They aren’t the coolest things around, but apparently they are far and away better than my Crocs or my Keens.
“You know what? We gotta go shopping,” he said on the way to dinner. “For shoes.”
“What? You have so many shoes!”
“Not for me,” he clarified. “For you. I want to go with you.” I glanced at him in the passenger seat. This was not a favor to me, but because I think he believed it was, I went along with the conversation. “What are you looking for?”
“Cool and cute but super supportive. Maybe we could go to Rack Room this weekend.”
“No, no, no. You aren’t going to find cool and supportive at Rack Room.” At this point he began to search for shoes to show me. He found a subset of what he thought I might like as we pulled into the restaurant parking lot. “How ’bout these?” He asked. They were ok.
“How much?” I asked.
“A hundred and sixty-five dollars?!” I guffawed. “That’s a hard no. Those shoes would need to be made of precious metals or have a method of generating their own source of income for me to spend that.”
“What’s your limit then? $100?” he asked, refining his search.
“Probably. Even that makes me uncomfortable.”
At that point, we had to drop the conversation for the evening activities. Since then, I have run all over Busch Gardens in my Keens, worn my dirty light blue Nikes to church, and ordered a brace and some insoles. I still don’t have new sneakers and I’m still not traditionally cool. But on Tuesday night, a mere 24 hours past the unfortunate Crocs incident, when it came time to take a 200-foot nose dive from the front row of Sheikra, I was good enough and cool enough for that. And nobody cared what was on my feet when they were dangling from the track of an inverted roller coaster.
And speaking of inverted roller coasters, I’d rather be wearing red Crocs as the baby of the family than wearing Sperrys in the Middle.
Since I started this series of posts, I have had several people reach out to me, apologizing for anything insensitive they may have said to me during my time of darkness. I don’t hold grudges. I don’t remember most of who said what and it wouldn’t matter if I did. That’s over. Though there are always scars from loss and trial, I wear them with contentment and gratitude now. They are a badge of honor. A part of my fabric. Without them, I would not be me.
My last post addressed the “helpers” and what they could do
to avoid causing damage and to promote healing. This post is for the suffering.
Because looking back, I can see what aided my healing and what was only a
My long bike rides and college classes were distractions.
They diverted my attention for the exact amount of time I was physically
engaged. But the moment I arrived back at my house from either, I was empty
again. My distractions did nothing to help me heal. Maybe some people get
results this way, but I did not. I did spend a lot of money figuring that out,
Looking back, here’s what helped me. I’m sure the internet has
broader and better ideas. These are mine.
Look for the helpers. Mr. Rogers was once quoted as saying that his mother told him to “look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.” I agree. There will always be people doing the right thing, saying the right thing, and waiting to embrace you without you having to tell them how. Surround yourself with those people. Build that cushion and then fall back on it as often as you need to.
Follow the signs. As I coped with infertility, there was a path I was forced to walk. I was trying to get from Point A (Working Missy with no kids) to Point B (Missy staying home with a gaggle of kids) with no idea how to get there. There wasn’t only one path. The path was unclear. There were decisions to be made. Rabbit trails to follow. Big forks in the road that felt like game changers. None of it was clear. None of it was obvious. None of it felt comfortable. Along the way, people approached me with bits of information or advice that felt like signs. Signs pointing a certain direction in my path. Signs of things I needed to do. “Here’s the name and number of my therapist. He’s good. He can help you. Call him and set something up.” / “My friend, Michelle, just adopted a little girl from an agency in Gainesville. She has a lot of knowledge about the subject and she would love to talk with you. Here’s her number.” / “Here’s the name of a good support group. They meet Tuesday and Thursday. You should go.” I don’t like talking to strangers on the phone. I don’t even like calling the cable guy or a school secretary. I don’t like receptionists. I don’t know why I hate it so much, but I can go to great lengths to avoid a phone call to a stranger. Even so, I did it during my infertile years, because those were the people who helped me heal. I got skilled at recognizing what might be a step forward and I made myself do those things, and make those calls, no matter how uncomfortable I felt. Sometimes strangers became unexpected helpers. If you see a sign, pay attention and follow.
Educate where appropriate. I did a
poor job with this one. With some years and wisdom and distance, I see now
where I could have done better. You may have someone walk up to you and say
something damaging to you, your spouse, or your child. In that moment, you may
bristle, or tear up, or fake-laugh it off. But you’ll likely go home and replay
the conversation in your head 59 times in one afternoon, wishing there were
something different you could have said or done in that moment. Instead of
permanently stewing, as I often did, you could educate where appropriate. Let a
little time pass. Get a little perspective. Think through what you really want
the offender to know. Push the snappy comebacks away. And then contact them.
Maybe by text. Maybe by email. Maybe by phone (not me, man). Maybe in person.
And tell them what you have dealt with and what grief their comment caused you.
Teach them better, with kindness. It isn’t an easy thing to do. It certainly
has the potential to score high on the Awkward Meter. But it is guaranteed to
make them think the next time.
Give grace to others. Along the
way, you’ll encounter unexpected helpers. You’ll also encounter people who set
you back three steps in your progress or healing. Give people grace. They may
not ask for it. They may not deserve it. But you’ll benefit from giving it
anyway. Give people permission to say stupid, hurtful things. Whether they are
ignorant or whether the motivation is something more sinister, the only way
past it is to forgive and let go.
Give grace to yourself. There are
so many hard things crowding together under this umbrella. Unmet expectations. Delayed
dreams. The unknown. Emptiness. The loss from an early miscarriage. The loss from
a late one. The loss of a baby. It’s all loss and it can be
excruciating. Sometimes we don’t acknowledge that it’s really, really
hard. Don’t feel like you have to put on your dry-cleaned skirt and show up in
the hard places and wear a stiff smile and make yourself look like everybody
else. You can’t skip a step in this process. You can’t pretend it didn’t happen
or isn’t still happening. It’s okay to be sad. I was. Unapologetically.
Give grace and let yourself grieve. But don’t stay there
forever. There will come a time when you come to a turning point in this
process. You’ll see a fork in your road. For you, it may be a support group*. It
may be a therapist. It may be pursuing a new phase of treatment or adoption. You
may see it before you are ready to lean into it. When it’s time, you’ll know.
Be on the lookout.
And then get ready, because life is waiting.
And it’s going to be amazing.
*For those who’ve suffered the loss of a baby, many area hospitals have meetings for the AMENDS group (Aiding Mothers Enduring Neonatal Death). These meetings come highly recommended, but I never went to one myself. I opted for a higher priced therapist closer to home.
I have hesitated to write this post, and struggled in the
writing, because it can become a toe-stomping hoedown. I’ve had infections that
hurt less than some of the things that were said to me during the years we were
trying to find our family. I know friends that have experienced the same thing.
There was no place where I was immune from the inappropriate questions and
remarks. But there was one place where I was especially exposed. One place
worse than all the others. One place where all the questioners seemed to gather
with dry-cleaned clothes and journals full of great ideas.
As I type, I can feel the deep sigh escaping my chest.
Church is where I was first asked if Todd was shooting blanks. Church is where
the young mothers stand at the back bouncing their “misbehaving” babies on
their hips. Church is where the raw wound of infertility and the deep longing
for relief was in my face, no matter who I was talking to or what corner I
tried to stand in. Because church was where the families gathered. Where the
pregnant people waddled in with their husbands. And where the small talk
abounded before and after the assembly. Church was where a person leaned down
to a 3 year old, the mother of whom had just miscarried, and said, “Tell your
mom YOU want a baby.” Another person elbowed that same mother and said, “You
don’t know what it’s like to be a parent until you’ve had your second one.”
Ah, that was helpful, wasn’t it? SO helpful.
For me, church was full of loving, caring friends. But among
them, there were a few problematic clumps of people:
Those who had never been through the challenge
of infertility. They simply didn’t get it. Therefore, they had no idea how
their questions and comments would injure me.
Those who didn’t have a filter. If they thought
it, they said it. That was their gift to the world.
Those who thought they were close to everyone. They
knew everyone by name and would pat them on the back, which to them opened
the door to extremely personal topics. Anything was fair game. To them. Not to
Before I say any more, I want to be clear. Church is not the problem. I am a Christian. I love the church. And I’m certain that I contribute to other people’s pain on occasion. I am as often a part of the problem as I am a part of the solution. But regarding a person’s family, I am very, very careful.
Church wasn’t the problem. Church was simply the place where the problematic people tended to open their mouths most freely.
And whether people are well meaning and just ignorant or
whether they really know better and forge ahead anyway, it still needs to stop.
So this will be a short post (Todd read it and said it most
certainly wasn’t short. Agree to disagree, I guess.) with a few
observations about how NOT to be a part of the problem.
Less is more. Sometimes less is more. Fewer words means fewer mistakes. My mother always taught me to simply say “I’m sorry” when someone was suffering or had lost a loved one. It was the most awkward sounding thing to my ears when it came out of my mouth. We think we need to offer something pithy or novel. Something creative. Something smart or deep or interesting. A suffering person doesn’t need smart or deep or interesting. When in doubt, say less.
Unless it’s YOUR business, it’s none of your business. A friend recently wrote me something pretty good. “When and if a couple has children is an intensely personal decision and not up for public discussion.” Public is anyone. Parents. Best friends. Anyone. If the suffering person or couple comes to you, then they’ve invited you in. That’s different. If they didn’t come to you, walk away. It isn’t your business. Don’t ask. Don’t tell.
Don’t joke. Infertility is never funny to someone dealing with it. If you simply must joke about it, do so privately with your buddy who is reproducing like a family of rabbits. I’m sure he’d love it. I didn’t.
Reach out/Reach in. If you’ve been invited into a situation and you know what’s going on with a couple, offer what you have. Maybe it’s just sympathy. Maybe it’s a hug. Maybe it’s the name of a good therapist (I was thankful for this. I wouldn’t have known how to set that up on my own). Maybe it’s dropping by one morning with Starbucks. Maybe it’s leaving a small token on the porch with a card. Maybe it’s texting your friend on a day you know is hard and telling them you love them. Maybe it’s dinner. Which brings me to…
Be gently forceful and very specific. Most people like free food. Exhausted people love it. This is an easy way to reach out, but if it isn’t done right it adds an extra burden on the one suffering. Don’t side hug your friend as you are walking past and say, “Let me know if I can ever do anything,” or “Let me know what I can do to help.” Those statements won’t bring results. Those types of offers make the recipient come crawling to you, which they likely won’t do. It forces them to think and, I assure you, a person suffering isn’t doing their best thinking. Their brains are already working at capacity. A better offering is, “I’m bringing you dinner this week. What night is best for you? Italian or pot roast?” Now you’ve let them know that you are already on board and you’ve given them a couple of easy decisions. A suffering person doesn’t have the energy to deal with non-specific, open-ended offers.
Think. Be sensitive and think ahead. The person you are talking to may have just had a miscarriage. Maybe they’ve been trying to figure things out for 2 years. Play it safe if you don’t know.
Pray. Really pray for these people. And if you are praying for them, tell them.
Approach privately. If you are in that inner circle with a person suffering from infertility, stay in touch with them and ask them privately how they are and how you can help. Sometimes it’s all a person can do to just go through the motions of a public situation, whether it’s church or work or a social gathering. There were times when I wanted to know someone cared, but I could not discuss it in public without breaking down.
Be patient. No one wants a fast fix more than the person walking this road. But unfortunately, sometimes this road is very dark and very long. Grab and hand and hang in there for however long it takes.
I know from experience what it’s like to want something you may never get. It’s painful and often directionless and you don’t know if or when or how relief will come. It’s hard to be that person. I also know it’s hard to love that person. It was hard to love me during those years. My husband tried to help me, but I was helpless. My friends tried to console me, but I was inconsolable. My doctors tried to fix me, but my body had other ideas.
It wasn’t easy to love me. I’m thankful they kept trying. Nobody stopped trying.
For all the helpers out there, dealing with someone like me, keep trying. And I hope this helps.