Art Linkletter had his whole Kids Say the Darndest Things fame. And I love that stuff. But I don’t let my kids say darn or darndest, so we don’t listen to that much around here. I know. I’m a prude. Sometimes.

I used my status on Facebook last night to poll people on funny things you never expected to say or hear as a parent. I’m going to post those responses in several different categories. I’ll warn you before we get to bodily functions, so my mother-in-law can stop reading if she wants to. Actually, let me just warn you now. It seems you can’t have the small child without the Gross. So if you are of weak stomach constitution, just skip this post entirely and return tomorrow for more refined material. Sorry!

I really love it when a kid either messes up a word or just says something quirky in a dead serious way.

For instance:
Mama’s Boy:
I don’t want to take a bath tonight. I’m afraid I’m going to have quesadilla. (What? Oh, he meant diarrhea. He’d been sick.)

Or, one child having had the “quesadilla” turned around to survey the situation and said, “Look Mama, I made coffee.”

One day I was sitting at the kitchen table, eating lunch with Mama’s Boy when he looked up from his plate and said, quite seriously, “Mama, what if every person in the world was named Uncle Doo Doo?” Honestly, I think I could live in that world…though I recognize the complications it might create.

Franklin, my nephew, peering into the toilet after being sick in it, said, “Huh, I guess I ate a sticker.” There was an apple sticker floating…

Things parents wouldn’t have imagined themselves saying:

Whose poo poo is this?
We don’t eat our own poo poo!
We don’t paint the windows with our poo poo!
We don’t bite other people’s toes.
The rule is, you only grab your own wiener. Nobody’s else’s.
You can touch your own boobies. But you can’t touch other people’s.
We don’t EVER lick the toilet seat! EVER!
So what were you thinking while you were slinging the poop water?
Who wants to do a naked run?
Kids, come to the car. Daddy will bring your rats after he checks out.
Please don’t throw Squeaky Manatee in the cheese sauce.
Please don’t wipe your snot on me.
Come here. I need to dig that booger out of your nose.
There is no reason why your hand should be in the toilet.
Hey! Are you putting bouncy balls in the toilet? No bouncing balls in the toilet!
Get your mouth off the sting ray tank!
Kid: Can I have some pizza? Adult: After you eat your cake.
Hey Mama. I have a riddle. If you get the right answer, you get to tell me what I’m getting for Christmas.

Things parents wouldn’t have thought they’d hear from their kids:

Why are there rocks?
What is yet?
Dad, you have glue on your arm. Or snot.
Dear God, thank you for our sins.
“If we see a stunk (skunk), we should all go get our swords (we don’t have any) and kill the stunk.”
‎”My stinky smells like eggs! I didn’t know stinky could smell like eggs!”
One child talking to another: “Yeah, we’re going to Utah.” The response: “Utah! Is that your grampa?”

And since I’ve totally grossed you out with some of your own submissions, I will try to redeem this only slightly with an excerpt from Art Linkletter:

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child’s work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, ‘I’m drawing God.’
The teacher paused and said, ‘But no one knows what God looks like.’
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, ‘They will in a minute.”

It seems strangely coincidental that Mother’s Day weekend falls at the end of the worst week of sickness my family has ever had. It’s true that we were deemed The Vom Snapps by friends at church because of our reputation for violent stomach illnesses. But it’s also true that this has changed somewhat as the kids have grown older. In fact, it had been just under 2 years since the last real battle with the stomach junk. But as you know only too well, last week the kids fell to it. And for days on end, I ran back and forth, up and down, wiping chins, holding bowls, holding children, scrubbing carpets, doing sheets at 2 a.m. and worrying. I don’t remember a harder week. But the one thing I can say about a week like this is that a mom’s focus changes and anything superfluous gets set aside. The calendar clears. The car doesn’t leave the driveway. The laundry and toilets stay clean, because they absolutely must stay clean for the comfort of all the infirm. And somehow, though the people are suffering, everyone is at peace. I wouldn’t wish this nasty germ on anyone, but I did get some simple glimpses into what matters. And I’m thankful for that.

It is also strangely ironic that I have four children packed into less than 7 years on this Mother’s Day of my 40th year. Because 10 years ago, on Mother’s Day weekend of 2001, I had no children. I couldn’t have children. And I was pretty much tortured over that fact. I had learned to cope (I paid good money for this learning), but I had not learned to stop wishing. Every moment. I can hardly remember life before I was a mom, but I can tell you that there was a time when I could not imagine ever being allowed to be one.

Missy’s Top Ten Reasons Why it Rocks to be a Mom
10. I was infertile. For YEARS.  So just becoming someone’s mom was a miracle I was unable to attain on my own.
9. Quiet is overrated. I’ll have the last 20 years of my life, as a deaf, senile, sanatorium-dweller for quiet. No one will visit me there, but I imagine Mama’sBoy will pay the monthly bill.
8. Dried, crusty play-doh is exciting. Also exciting is trying to identify crusty things on the family room carpet as I navigate barefooted.
7. The element of surprise! The fact that at any moment, a child could announce “that person is fat” in a grocery store or “why is that lady so naked” in a public parking lot makes every day spontaneously fun and exciting.
6. It’s fun to spend $2200 to fly.
5. Squeeze hugs.
4. Kissing a wee one on the mouth and coming away with a trail of mucous. Sweet.
3. Gathering on the red couch to wait out a thunderstorm together. There’s nothing  better than snuggling with the kids during a storm.
2. Reading in the loft together.
1. Seeing how much better God’s plans are than my own.