I don’t receive a lot of personal mail, either in my physical box or electronically. I would guess that most of us don’t, now that Canadian drug companies know how to spam us and we all get so many offers to become rich beyond our wildest dreams if only we’ll wire our account information to Mr. Navarro in Nigeria. Perhaps you do get 15 pithy, personal emails a day from all of your closest friends. If you do, please don’t tell me.

I hear from Groupon and Living Social a lot. Most of the time I delete their epistles without reading. I know right off that I’m not going to Belize this year or spending a day at a mud spa. I’ve got my own mud spa right here, where St. Augustine grass is supposed to be. But sometimes the subject line promises a bit of entertainment, even if it doesn’t promise a deal I plan to take. I’m not really sure why I opened the Living Social email today, because the subject was as dry as my great-great aunt’s split ends. Something about dental cleaning and whitening. Riveting. So I opened it. And here it is for your own personal growth. I’ve highlighted the things that made me wear my James Bond face.

A healthy, bright smile isn’t always as easy as brushing with top-notch toothpaste and slipping on whitening strips. Everyone needs a professional to give your mouth a proper cleaning. Get your grin in check with today’s deal from HaHa Sedation and Family Dentistry. For $99 (regularly $465) your teeth will be treated to a proper cleaning along with a whitening treatment that will put any of those over the counter gimmicks to shame. You will endure a dental exam, full X-rays, a healthy mouth cleaning, and a take-home Nitewhite whitening system. With a focus on implants and sedation, Dr. Ha will certainly be able to take care of all your future dental needs. After your visit with today’s deal, you’ll be saying “HaHa” all the way to the bank.

• HaHa Sedation and Family Dentistry. Is that for real? Or was he just tripping on Nitrous Oxide the night he printed his brochures?
• You’ll be saying HaHa all the way to the bank? Does anyone go to the bank after visiting the dentist? Again with the trippin’, Dr. Ha. That’s an expression you use when you are making money off of something. And while $99 is quite a savings from $465, it still isn’t a profit. And it still means going to a dentist called Dr. Ha. Would any of us actually go have work done at a place called HaHa Sedation? No. We would not. Ever. In fact, I don’t think I’d go to HaHa Sedation if it meant receiving a check for $99 as I left the building. I would go there if I could leave with a check for $465.
• I can be bought. Keep that in mind if you have money.  If you don’t have money, don’t contact me.
• Ha.
• Or should I say HaHa.
  

I have two things to share that will not change your life in any way.

I hate bathroom fans. You know, the white noise bathroom fans you turn on to disperse steam or an unpleasant aroma? Hate them. Hate.them.  I can’t explain it. I can’t trace it back to a traumatic childhood event involving bathrooms, fans, or white noise. But I hate this appliance and I turn them off any chance I get. Unfortunately, I am part of an extended network that is practically married to the bathroom fan. And no matter how many times I turn it off myself or announce to the world that I hate bathroom fans, the fan blades keep on turning.

Sigh.

When I rose from my slumber this morning, I found not one, but TWO bathroom fans running in this house. That’s ALL THE FANS WE HAVE. And they ran all night. What in the world? It was like acid poured directly into my ear drums at 6:30 this morning. That’s no way to wake up.

And since nobody in my house actually cares how much I loathe the bathroom fan, I have no other option but to blog about it. It doesn’t take away the pain. But it does give me hope that if the bathroom fan actually causes my untimely death, one of you might stand up and protest in my funeral. I’d like someone to stand up suddenly in a quite moment of reflection on my life and yell out with angry fervor, “IT WAS THE BATHROOM FAN THAT KILLED HER!”

Actually, no matter what kills me and when, I’d like to ensure this happens. Thanks.