As shameful as I feel this statement is, it does reflect where we’ve been this week. Here it is. I must own it.

I read a People Magazine from COVER to COVER today.

I mean that quite literally. I read every.single.page. From the Scoop about Patrick Dempsey’s Hawaiian vacation to the story about the deaf dachshund to the pictures of the best and worst hats at the royal wedding. I even read the really disturbing IAMS cat food ads. I plan to scan that one in so you can be disturbed, too. But not tonight. That would require effort and I have none of that.

One thing that made me chuckle was in the deaf dachshund article. As you might imagine, this was not the cover story. We’re talking page 108 here. At any rate, they were having trouble finding a good home for this dog, because he was deaf and barked incessantly. The quote I liked was: “What in the heck was I going to do with a deaf weiner dog?” If I only had a nickel for the times I’ve asked myself this question.

I also got a chuckle from a quote from the Bible. The Bible is not my normal source for comedy, but every now and then you get some growth AND comedy.

2 Chronicles 9:21:  ²¹ The king had a fleet of trading ships manned by Hiram’s servants. Once every three years it returned, carrying gold, silver and ivory, and apes and baboons.

The apes and baboons thing really threw me. I wasn’t expecting that. And I laughed. It was just so precise. Returning every three years and each time carrying apes and baboons. That sounds fun. Also terrifying.

And finally, I will leave you with the only thing I’ve left you with for days now: Ick. We were sitting around the dinner table as a family for the first time in a long time, due to illness. Beloved was a mess today. I forced her to let me carry her outside for a few minutes before dinner, so she could soak in just a tad of sunshine and maybe grab some Vitamin D from the air. Then, like a surgery patient, I forced her to walk the circle of our downstairs. And then we tried to force her to eat, because she hasn’t eaten in 2 days and because she seemed to be wasting away. That seemed to be going really well, right to the end when it seemed to go terribly awry. She started to sputter a bit and got that deer-in-the-headlights look on her face. I know that look. Her lips were pursed shut. I jumped up, shoving my chair backwards across the kitchen floor with my very functional posterior. Then I did a little tribal dance, as I surveyed my possible receptacles. Finally, I just nabbed a regular soup bowl out of the cabinet and in one swift motion, swiveled Beloved around to face away from the table and held the bowl under her chin as she did what she apparently had to do. Clean, efficient, professional. The rest of them continued eating. And then I heard Mamasboy, chatting as if this was a regular occurrence:

“Man. Mama’s fast. I’d still be standing there looking for something, if it was me.”

I laughed at that. If all you do in a day is hold a bowl, it’s nice to be recognized for how stinkin’ good at it you are. Thanks, boy.

I’m going back to bed now. Tomorrow is totally a new day. Totally.

I wish I could find some. This has been a grueling week around my house. I’m sleeping in 45 minute stretches and burning calories around the clock. A night hasn’t gone by where laundry wasn’t started in the wee hours of the morning. And my Beloved hasn’t had any solid food since Monday at noon. She can’t afford to lose weight. She only weighs about 28 pounds as it is.

I wasn’t quite asleep last night when I heard the Little Munch crying on the monitor. I went running, because I am still in Emergency Response Mode. Good thing I was fast because there was complete carnage. Really? She started this whole thing. How do you get sick, get well, and then get sick again? I guess this shouldn’t baffle me. There is a word they made up just for this one thing: Relapse.

Can you tell I haven’t slept? This is really boring and poorly written. Sheeee.

So I went to CVS last night to purchase a card and a few little things for Teacher Appreciation Week. When I got to the check out counter, the cashier said, “If you purchase 2 more cards, you get one of our sprays for free.” And she waved her hand along the display of sprays in metal colored canisters, like the girl who did not get hired when they hired Vanna White.

“No, thanks,” I said. “I really don’t have any more cards to buy.” It sure seemed like that should have ended the matter. But it didn’t.

“It doesn’t have to be Mother’s Day,” the girl said. “It can be any type of cards. Birthday….graduation…” She was waiting. Waiting for me to get an Aha Card Buying Inspiration. Waiting for me to say, “Oh wait. I forgot about the other 2 cards I need. Let me go stand in that card aisle for another 20 minutes, grimacing because your choices are so terrible and your poetry makes me want to give into the stomach virus that is raging inside my house.”  I didn’t have that moment. And I didn’t say any of that. Instead, I just said,

“No, thanks. I don’t need the cards.” Again, this was a matter-ending statement. There was no opening for more spray talk. Except that she kept going.

“Well, would you like to buy one of our sprays? I think they are $1.99.”

I was now completely confused by this line of questioning. My face took on a mask of bewilderment and horror. What? How could you still think I want a spray? This isn’t just a problem with your bad cards and me not wanting to go all the way to the back of the store to pick out two more. This is a situation where I.Don’t.Want.Spray. In fact, I have no idea, to this moment, what the spray even was. What kind of spray? Breath spray? Under Arm Enchantment Spray? Pheromones? What? What is so magical about this spray?

She finally gave it up and just rang me up for the Andes Mints I wanted. Seriously.

And then I laid down and entered the Vortex I can’t seem to shake. I was up most of the night. Some of that was spent holding a bowl under Beloved’s chin. Some of it was spent running up and down the stairs to help the Loose Cannon. And some of it was spent doing laundry.

I bet if I had just gotten the spray this wouldn’t still be happening. You think?