The Stuff Kids Say

Art Linkletter had his whole Kids Say the Darndest Things fame. And I love that stuff. But I don’t let my kids say darn or darndest, so we don’t listen to that much around here. I know. I’m a prude. Sometimes.

I used my status on Facebook last night to poll people on funny things you never expected to say or hear as a parent. I’m going to post those responses in several different categories. I’ll warn you before we get to bodily functions, so my mother-in-law can stop reading if she wants to. Actually, let me just warn you now. It seems you can’t have the small child without the Gross. So if you are of weak stomach constitution, just skip this post entirely and return tomorrow for more refined material. Sorry!

I really love it when a kid either messes up a word or just says something quirky in a dead serious way.

For instance:
Mama’s Boy:
I don’t want to take a bath tonight. I’m afraid I’m going to have quesadilla. (What? Oh, he meant diarrhea. He’d been sick.)

Or, one child having had the “quesadilla” turned around to survey the situation and said, “Look Mama, I made coffee.”

One day I was sitting at the kitchen table, eating lunch with Mama’s Boy when he looked up from his plate and said, quite seriously, “Mama, what if every person in the world was named Uncle Doo Doo?” Honestly, I think I could live in that world…though I recognize the complications it might create.

Franklin, my nephew, peering into the toilet after being sick in it, said, “Huh, I guess I ate a sticker.” There was an apple sticker floating…

Things parents wouldn’t have imagined themselves saying:

Whose poo poo is this?
We don’t eat our own poo poo!
We don’t paint the windows with our poo poo!
We don’t bite other people’s toes.
The rule is, you only grab your own wiener. Nobody’s else’s.
You can touch your own boobies. But you can’t touch other people’s.
We don’t EVER lick the toilet seat! EVER!
So what were you thinking while you were slinging the poop water?
Who wants to do a naked run?
Kids, come to the car. Daddy will bring your rats after he checks out.
Please don’t throw Squeaky Manatee in the cheese sauce.
Please don’t wipe your snot on me.
Come here. I need to dig that booger out of your nose.
There is no reason why your hand should be in the toilet.
Hey! Are you putting bouncy balls in the toilet? No bouncing balls in the toilet!
Get your mouth off the sting ray tank!
Kid: Can I have some pizza? Adult: After you eat your cake.
Hey Mama. I have a riddle. If you get the right answer, you get to tell me what I’m getting for Christmas.

Things parents wouldn’t have thought they’d hear from their kids:

Why are there rocks?
What is yet?
Dad, you have glue on your arm. Or snot.
Dear God, thank you for our sins.
“If we see a stunk (skunk), we should all go get our swords (we don’t have any) and kill the stunk.”
‎”My stinky smells like eggs! I didn’t know stinky could smell like eggs!”
One child talking to another: “Yeah, we’re going to Utah.” The response: “Utah! Is that your grampa?”

And since I’ve totally grossed you out with some of your own submissions, I will try to redeem this only slightly with an excerpt from Art Linkletter:

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child’s work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, ‘I’m drawing God.’
The teacher paused and said, ‘But no one knows what God looks like.’
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, ‘They will in a minute.”