Camping in Crazy Bottom Ranch

I’ve been offline. In Scaryville. I have stories to tell. But the best thing I can do this afternoon is clean out my car, take a pill that cleanses me from diseases, and call my therapist to tell him about the potty situation in Scaryville. I’m pretty sure he can’t help me.

Tonight, I am hoping to sit down and tell the stories. Since I don’t really have a therapist and can’t afford one anyway, that role will reside with the reader. Please get in touch with your deepest compassion and wisdom, put on a robe, get a pipe, and help me. Later.

For now, here are a couple of lists:

Top Ten Reasons Not to Go Camping for 3 days and 2 nights:

1. 155% humidity. This affects everything from the bottom of your tent to the inside of your car windshield to the quality of your Fritos.
2. Mosquitos. Angry, angry mosquitos.
3. Port-o-lets. There just are no words. Unfortunately for you, I will find some and say much, much more about this than you ever wanted to know.
4. Nobody at the campsite likes you.
5. You don’t like anyone at the campsite.
6. If you lock your keys in the car, you’ll pretty much be sunk. Not that I would know. Sure.
7. Sleeping bags never stay in position. You always end up with the zipper under you in the most awkward way possible. This phenomenon came into existence one second after the Stray Sock Phenomenon.
8. It takes one full day to pack up and one full day to unpack. For those who don’t like math, that adds up to the same amount of time you actually are camping.
9. Short people who are also short on sleep are short on patience. That’s too many short things in one sentence.
10. Mamasboy.

Top Ten Reasons TO go camping for 3 days and 2 nights:

1. Mamasboy.
2. Camp chairs with drink holders in the arm.
3. Fires.
4. Open air.
5. Stars. LOTS of stars.
6. Sleeping 2 inches from my favorite people in the world who don’t yet know that I’m not the coolest person ever.
7. Lupton’s barbecue and free Coke Zero. (I’ll explain later. I know this wouldn’t typically make a Top Ten Camping list…)
8. Cooking hotdogs and s’mores over an open fire. Snacking straight out of a cooler.
9. Reading by flashlight.
10. If you do lock your keys in your car, and there are 45 cub scouts roaming the area, you have a 95% chance that one of them has a father who used to steal cars for a living. Boo-yah.