Redneck Exercise

Today I went to clean house for a man who is 88 and very interesting. He’s the best. He keeps his house cleaner than I keep mine, so I’m not sure why he keeps me around, but whatever. I guess. I always come away from seeing him feeling like I’ve gained a whole lot more than he has.

Today I had gained.
Weight, that is.

The last time I cleaned was about 2.5 weeks ago, at which point Beloved was with me, “helping.” She talked me into stepping onto his scale. I didn’t want to do it. But in my mind, I thought, “Well, this could be good. I’ll weight ONLY when I’m here and I’ll work hard on fitness between cleanings.”

Today it was time to weigh in again. I still didn’t want to. In my head, the worst case scenario was maintenance.

I saw that needle go up to a number that about freaked me out. How in the world did I gain 5 pounds in 2 weeks? ON A DIET. I know. It’s like I’m storing nuts for the winter. And the nuts weigh a pound each.

Only I’m not. And there’s no such thing as winter here.

I am storing something, though. 24 pounds of it.

I realize that there are people who think 24 pounds is not a big deal. For people who want to lose more than that, I might seem silly or disrespectful right now. I know this isn’t the worst problem ever. However, in the last 4 years, I have become the worst dressed person in central FL. The only person worse than me is Underwear Boy and he apparently doesn’t own clothes. So, in ways, I am worse.

So, I’ve been turning this one over in my big brain. I’ve come up with a few things:

1. The gym is not happening for me between now and the end of August. It’s too far away and I have too many people in tow. So I can forget this one.
2. No one thing is going to eliminate the 24 pounds. I can’t exercise to death. I can’t starve myself.
3. I’m going to need a combo pack effect here. Abstaining from desserts? Probably pretty important right now. Drinking water? Yes, definitely. Dropping diet drinks? A must. Liposuction? Well, d-uh. OF course.
4. My plans are usually very insane and intense and ultimately quite stupid. I do not understand or practice moderation. Either I am chewing 1000 calories a day in Super Bubble, or I am fasting. Neither is good right now.
5. So I need to work with what I’ve got. I have a big field. I have children who want to play. And I have HEALTHY OPTIONS.  I will never accomplish this by making weird cold turkey statements. I will take small steps and consistent steps and see where that gets me.

THE PLAN

I WILL drink 4 bottles of water a day.
I WILL NOT drink more that 1 diet soda a day. The eventual goal is dropping it altogether. And I will no longer buy 12 packs.
I WILL exercise 30 minutes, 5 times a week. The field is my location. Running and biking are my activities.
I WILL TRY for 1300 calories a day.
I WILL write down what I eat.

Tomorrow I need to buy bananas. And spend at least 15 minutes helping Beloved ride her bike. And since Todd doesn’t have to leave for work early, I get to sneak in a breakfast run.

This is the beginning.
Of something.
I’m hoping it is NOT the beginning of gaining 5 more pounds.