Redneck Exercise

Today I went to clean house for a man who is 88 and very interesting. He’s the best. He keeps his house cleaner than I keep mine, so I’m not sure why he keeps me around, but whatever. I guess. I always come away from seeing him feeling like I’ve gained a whole lot more than he has.

Today I had gained.
Weight, that is.

The last time I cleaned was about 2.5 weeks ago, at which point Beloved was with me, “helping.” She talked me into stepping onto his scale. I didn’t want to do it. But in my mind, I thought, “Well, this could be good. I’ll weight ONLY when I’m here and I’ll work hard on fitness between cleanings.”

Today it was time to weigh in again. I still didn’t want to. In my head, the worst case scenario was maintenance.

I saw that needle go up to a number that about freaked me out. How in the world did I gain 5 pounds in 2 weeks? ON A DIET. I know. It’s like I’m storing nuts for the winter. And the nuts weigh a pound each.

Only I’m not. And there’s no such thing as winter here.

I am storing something, though. 24 pounds of it.

I realize that there are people who think 24 pounds is not a big deal. For people who want to lose more than that, I might seem silly or disrespectful right now. I know this isn’t the worst problem ever. However, in the last 4 years, I have become the worst dressed person in central FL. The only person worse than me is Underwear Boy and he apparently doesn’t own clothes. So, in ways, I am worse.

So, I’ve been turning this one over in my big brain. I’ve come up with a few things:

  1. The gym is not happening for me between now and the end of August. It’s too far away and I have too many people in tow. So I can forget this one.
  2. No one thing is going to eliminate the 24 pounds. I can’t exercise to death. I can’t starve myself.
  3. I’m going to need a combo pack effect here. Abstaining from desserts? Probably pretty important right now. Drinking water? Yes, definitely. Dropping diet drinks? A must. Liposuction? Well, d-uh. OF course.
  4. My plans are usually very insane and intense and ultimately quite stupid. I do not understand or practice moderation. Either I am chewing 1000 calories a day in Super Bubble, or I am fasting. Neither is good right now.
  5. So I need to work with what I’ve got. I have a big field. I have children who want to play. And I have HEALTHY OPTIONS.  I will never accomplish this by making weird cold turkey statements. I will take small steps and consistent steps and see where that gets me.


I WILL drink 4 bottles of water a day.
I WILL NOT drink more that 1 diet soda a day. The eventual goal is dropping it altogether. And I will no longer buy 12 packs.
I WILL exercise 30 minutes, 5 times a week. The field is my location. Running and biking are my activities.
I WILL TRY for 1300 calories a day.
I WILL write down what I eat.

Tomorrow I need to buy bananas. And spend at least 15 minutes helping Beloved ride her bike. And since Todd doesn’t have to leave for work early, I get to sneak in a breakfast run.

This is the beginning.
Of something.
I’m hoping it is NOT the beginning of gaining 5 more pounds.

Top Ten Exercises that could possibly be considered fun by those who hate to exercise…

Exercise is a funny thing. I mean funny peculiar, not funny ha ha. Although I have seen about 8 cases in my life of it being funny ha ha. But mostly it is peculiar. To some, exercise is a great release of stress and a passion. For some, it is the last thing on earth they would ever choose to do and they have it on their to-do list right above “Die.” Some people do it for the joy of it, but don’t need the fitness part so much. Some desperately need the fitness, but hate it. Some need it and like it. Some need it and hate it.

Wow. That was like a bad twirly ride that I couldn’t get off of.

At any rate, I am a person that mostly loves to exercise–under the right circumstances. For instance, I do NOT love running with a double jog stroller and the contents therein. I love running. Alone. With an iPod. But hand me a double jogger with 60 pounds of “can we go home now?” and all the joy is gone. I love biking. I even love biking with one child in a bike seat directly behind me. I do NOT love biking with a double bike trailer. See above reasons. Also there are traffic hazards wrapped up in this one. I do NOT love getting up at 5:30 a.m. for exercise of any type. I do not love exercising at 10 p.m. So when my planets do not align and I have children who need me, I have to do the exercise the non-ideal way.

Top Ten Ways to Make Exercise Fun if You Hate Exercising:

  1. Pump up the jam and dance. Dance, people. Dance. Dancing for 30 minutes burns approximately 200 calories. And if your “JAM” includes Justin Bieber and you invite your preschool wackadoodles into the dance party, you can also do some pretty worthwhile bonding.
  2. Make it a contest. Race somebody. Time yourself at something.
  3. Run around the house as you do your chores. Be BRISK.
  4. Vigorously reorganize your pantry.  If it’s gonna burn any calories, you should move like a ninja. I have tried this one unsuccessfully. It was a fail for my fitness AND for the pantry.
  5. Scalp a trail around the perimeter of a 5 acre field and run it.  Your neighbors will wonder what in the world you are doing and why you don’t have better things to do. Most of them will have embraced a non-fit lifestyle. Not that I know. Not that I can judge. Not that I am dying to know why Underwear Boy never puts on clothes.
  6. Play soccer with an 11 year old. Be prepared to suck wind. A lot.
  7. Walk the perimeter trail with a 5 year old. It should burn calories to mentally keep up with her conversation patterns. But it doesn’t.

I can’t come up with 3 more. I need help.

So, the redneck fitness thing is no joke. I have weight to lose. I have GOT to lose it. More on that in the next post…

Something amazing happened last night. Something that hasn’t happened in at least 2 weeks.

Neither girl woke up. No one called for me. No one came down the stairs.

It was perfect.

There was only one blemish and it was caused by me.

If I could go back and do last night differently, I might rethink my decision to drink a Pepsi Max at 10 p..m.  It didn’t hinder my falling asleep, but it was the child getting me up 3 times in the night.

Also, I don’t like Pepsi Max. You should at least like the thing that plagues you.

I am formulating my Redneck Fitness Plan. Pepsi Max will not figure in to the new lifestyle.

If Glade made Bacon flavored plug-in air fresheners, would you buy them?
I would.