Uncle Cletus’ Guide to Living Like a Street Urchin

UPDATE: Uncle Cletus responded to the following post from this morning. If you haven’t read that post, read that first and then his response will at least have context.

Well, I guess I don’t quite know what to say; I am almost speechless.  I don’t know whether I’m honored or angered.  But for sure, I am targeted….and exposed.  But because for me the glass is always half (or more) full, I am honored, and if so, I suppose I am supposed to say “thank you.”  And for what it is worth, I am well enough fed, though I should say promptly, no thanks to you.  Honestly, I thought about cutting a piece of the cake (from the rear), but decided that if I did so I might end up in your blog.  Now all i can think about is that I should have cut a BIG piece.  (I did say ALMOST speechless.)  But there is no malice here, just love…….and patience….endurance….faith.    – UC

I overate tonight.

My middle quadrant is overblown and puffed up like biscuit dough. This came as a result of a birthday party menu of pizza and mayonnaise cakes, not biscuits. The mayonnaise is not because we are weird, though I’m not saying it doesn’t add to the case against us. It is because we have milk allergies in the family. I think I prefer the Boy-in-the-Bubble recipe to a regular milk and eggs concoction. What does that say about me? I don’t care. My husband did all of the baking and icing and some of the piping on the mayo cake. If you stick this blog out long enough to gather my history with cakes, you’ll know why I didn’t touch it.  Anyway. Apparently the trim looked pretty bad and had to be redone by a female coworker. Had this not been the case—had his piping been pretty—then this would be a blog of an entirely different nature. And I think you know where I’d be going with that. But since he did not rock the piping, I’m going down the original road.

So I overstuffed with cheap chuck e. cheese pizza and mayo cakes, as we’ve already established. But there was a member of the birthday group—we’ll call him Uncle Cletus—who did not overstuff. In fact, UC was on a pretty tight schedule and needed to eat before heading out to a meeting. We had ordered the pizza and it was set to arrive shortly. Not 2 minutes into the waiting period, we noticed Uncle Cletus milling around with a plate and 2 pieces of pepperoni pizza. Where’d you get that? We asked. Oh, I obtained it, was his answer. Obtained it? You mean from a vacated booth of some family that went home an hour ago? Dude. It’s hard to know where exactly to walk with that one and what to do with it once you get there.  So let’s just leave it at this: (1) Uncle Cletus, if you are out there…and I know you are…don’t comment on this post. You’ll give yourself away and what you did is not okay. (2) Though we are aghast at the lengths you will go to for a pizza fix, thanks for providing inspiration for this post. And (3): If you find yourself struggling in today’s economy—jobless, homeless, penniless, or pizza-less, let me leave you with:

Uncle Cletus’ Guide to Living Like a Street Urchin:

1. Eat other people’s leftovers at restaurants that are busy and where apparently the staff waits until closing to bus the tables. Approximate savings for a family of 4: $20. You’ll have to steal your own tokens.
2. On vacations, always have 2 or 3 smashed up tuna salad sandwiches in a fold-over sandwich baggie for meals.  Then proceed to drive as far out of your way as is necessary to find a rest stop with a stone picnic table. Approximate savings for a couple without children: $11, depending on what you order at the McDonalds you might have stopped at…
3. If you see eggs on sale for $.79 a carton, buy them. Even if you are in Tennessee when you see eggs on sale and you live in Southern California. Even if you have a 27-hour drive to get them home into your refrigerator. Even if the chances of them making it back in tact are one half of one percent.  Approximate savings for a family of any size: $1.20.
4. Wear the purple blazer until your funeral. It is wool. It is functional. There is no need to replace it just because purple went out with King Solomon. Hang on. It’ll come back around. Approximate savings for the coat wearer: $6.
5. Spend $1.99 at any Target store on a new tube of super glue and continue gluing the soles of your sneakers back onto the base of the shoe until either there is no more gluing surface or until your skin is tarred and blistered from regular contact with super glue.  If you really want to save money, you can buy an off-brand of Super Glue. But just know it will probably kill you with flesh-eating toxins. Approximate savings: I don’t know. I don’t do this. Ever.