They seated us near the large stone fire place and across from the oversized checker set. The kids had a ball playing the little peg game that is always at a Cracker Barrel table. I could not convince them that there was supposed to be one peg missing from every game. Otherwise, how will you jump over other pegs, guys? There’d be no place to land. But whatever.
It was a good, good dinner of southern, comfort foods, accompanied by pleasant chit chat. And as it was drawing to a close and the kids were beginning to at least entertain the thought of bouncing like monkeys under the table, there came a bit of a ruckus that had nothing to do with us. To my left, an older, heavy-set gentleman sporting some low-sitting glasses and a shiny piece of rubber where his hair used to be sped up on one of those spiffy mobility scooters. When I say sped, that is exactly what I mean. He sped up on that scooter, practically screeched to a halt there next to AG, whose eyes became VERY large, and parked. Before any of us could form the words “What in the world?”, he flipped open a very accommodating basket and began to dig through a collection of at least 30 homemade pet rocks, complete with colored fuzz toupees and googly eyes, and plenty of personality. And as he dug, he rambled.
“I’d like to give you guys some pet rocks. I like to make these for children. Here’s one for the big dude and one for you,” nodding to Mama’sBoy. “Can’t forget the little munch, but let’s let Mama hold onto the one for the baby, ‘cause she’ll just eat it right now.” I think I was squinting out of pure shock. I hope I didn’t look angry. I just kept having flashbacks to William Faulkner’s As I Lay Dying, thinking about setting broken legs in concrete and traveling across country by wagon to bury a rotting corpse. I realize this isn’t nearly so extreme, but one of the rocks does have a satin purple ribbon that is tying back human hair. Human hair, people. And while I think this is very funny indeed, I also think it’s weird.
All I can say is that when a dude rolls up and showers your kids with oddly decorated rock people, you have an immediate out with not spending money in the gift shop.
And since I laugh every time I look upon this sight, I will leave you to decide for yourself. Does it remind you of Faulkner? Or do you not read….?
9 thoughts on “The Von Snapp Family Rocks”
At least you got pet rocks at the CB…my kid set off the fire alarm….. 😦
YIKES, hahaha, the little one looks forlorn and maybe for a VERY good reason!
I would’ve been VERY tempted to “lose” the creepy human hair rock on the way home. That thing creeps me out…and yet I keep looking at it. I don’t know how I’m going to get that out of my head today.
Looks like the group of rocks is saying “Help us! We’ve been captive of a crazy old man. Please take us back to the wild.”
We ran into that same man with the pet rocks at Cracker Barrel last year. He gave us several pet rocks, and one of them had a chunk missing from his backside. He said that one was in Vietnam and got his bum blown off. ☺
I think this should inspire the Von Snaps to start creating their own rock pets! Now there’s a family project. Then one member of your family can some day pass them on to other small children!
The human hair rock looks like Rizzo the Rat from the Muppets!! I posted a picture below, but I don’t know if it will come out here.
i am the only dude here. your writing is funny. the end