Stupid Salsa Knuckles

Dear All People Who Make Salsa,
I have been a long-standing fan of salsa far and wide for many years, since my babies were diagnosed with Robbie Benson’s Bubble Boy syndrome and I was reduced to a diet of salsa and meat and flax chips as I attempted to ‘purify’ their food source. During my salsa dieting days, I learned a thing or two.  You, Salsa Makers of the World, have learned nothing. So let me inform you of four things.

  1. Taste and freshness matter. Some salsa makers are aware of this. Green Mountain Gringo Medium Salsa is a fresh as a babbling brook and as tasty as my grandma’s fried chicken. So to speak. Pace–just stop trying.
  2. Texture matters. If I have to chew anything, besides the chip itself, I’m done. Also, the tomato paste/pizza sauce consistency is quite icky. Somewhere in the middle is where you ought to be. I should not have to be telling you this, since this is your chosen profession.
  3. Price matters. And though Green Mountain Gringo can kill any other salsa producer on the planet in taste and texture, they are quire unaware that the economy tanked badly. There are, I would imagine, a goodly number of people who can skip the freshness when $5.19 is the price you have to pay for it. I am one of those skippers. It hurts my heart to pass it by, but at that price, I have broken up with Green Mountain Gringo.
  4. SIZE OF JAR matters gargantuanly. I am baffled that there is no salsa maker out there who understands this point. The life’s purpose of a jar of salsa is to be a swimming pool for a triangular chip. So why, OH WHY, is every jar designed to cause Salsa Knuckles when you go for your 10 minute chips n salsa fix every afternoon? To Chi Chi’s, I must specifically say: Woe to you for your tall, skinny jar. Only a pickle should come in a jar like yours. Put some thought into your packaging, people. What am I supposed to do, crush up a chip into the balled-up fist of a 10-week-old baby  and somehow dip out some salsa? Even if that worked, I’d still have Salsa Baby Hands to clean up. Perhaps I could cinch up my Tostito into a corset and lower it through that scary funnel you call a jar opening?  Don’t make me pour my salsa into a bowl like I’m a farm donkey from 1898. Don’t make me nibble the corners off my perfectly shaped tortilla chip until it is thin enough to lower down your little mine shaft. If I was willing to do that, I would be snacking on cold corn on the cob. And what about Man Calves? Her hands are twice the size of mine. She will be reduced to using a teaspoon just to get the salsa out. If this is where we land, we may as well be spreading jelly on scones.

So how about a jar that is short and fat? How hard is that? Do you know how much money you would make off of that? You can target women with french manicures or people who hate eating ribs.

Or how about a jar that has a little wheel at the bottom like a tube of chap stick? As my salsa gets lower in the jar, I can adjust the bottom and keep pushing the salsa up as I go. This one may be slightly cost prohibitive, but I’m just brainstorming in an area that is clearly unexplored.

I am tired of salsa knuckles. It is ruining my snack time.



7 thoughts on “Stupid Salsa Knuckles

  1. where to start? sooo many thoughts. WHEN did pouring salsa in a jar become likened to some kind of Donkey activity?
    The baby hand thing is so odd…so odd. Hilarious!
    The chap stick jar idea is gold!

  2. Why don’t you just get a little bowl and put some salsa in it? 😀

    I tried GMG and was not impressed. Not enough heat! We have found that the refrigerated fresh salsa at Costco is good. Huge tub o’ salsa, can’t remember the price, lasts for two weeks because there are no preservatives but we were able to finish it in that time. 🙂

    1. La Mexicana comes in a tub, a wide mouthed tub….it’s in the produce section at Publix. It’s fresh and yummy. It also isn’t covered in cilantro.

  3. I grew up in Southeast Texas. My mother was addicted to Hot Sauce (this is what we call salsa) all my life. One type in particular was the house hot sauce at a restaraunt called Monterrey House Tex-Mex Cafe. It was a small chain in Texas and Louisiana and has since become an even small chain. Is is a thin tomato sauce with cilantro, jalapenos, and garlic. You could buy a take home container in the quart size and we often made hour long round trips to pick some up without even eating at the restaurant.

    “Are you going near Monterrey House? Pick me up a quart of hot sauce will you sug?”

    After my mother moved to Florida, anytime someone would come to visit from Texas she would have them bring a couple of quarts along. I am only telling you all this as background because after years of experimentation I have copied this “salsa” and will now give you the recipe so that you can make and give it a try.

    1 can of Hunt’s Diced tomatoes
    1 can Rotel Tomatoes
    1 table spoon basil
    2 table spoons diced Mount Olive Jalapenos
    1 teaspoon garlic powder

    put it all in a blender and pulse blend to your personal consistency

    It is better if you let it sit overnight in the fridge and you can add a little of the jalapeno juice if you like it hotter.

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