Open Letter to the Pet Owning World

Two weeks ago, we got a dog.
In general, that statement generates a variety of responses. It varies from “OH! CONGRATULATIONS!” as if you have just adopted a brand new baby to “Way to go, imbecilic stupid-head. Good luck with that.” which is how I used to greet such news. Until I WAS the news.
I have said the phrase, emphatically, on countless occasions: “I will never share my home with a beast.”
I said that.
Many times.
That’s a quote.
What I meant was, “I will never share my home with a beast….until April of 2017.” I now share my home with a beast named Buttercup. In all fairness, she’s less Beastly than Brady by far. BY.FAR.

So since I live my life in a rather outspoken, opinionated fashion, sometimes those opinions find their way back to me and get shoved down my throat like a cyanide-laced bandana. I’ve been told by the Informinator (and she’s never wrong) that I probably ought to apologize. To the world.
So here it goes.

Dear Pet-Owners, Past and Present, of the Universe:
Hi.
I’m sorry.
Sometimes I still judge you. But I’m no longer better than you like I clearly used to be. I am one of you. I found myself out of town last weekend, gloriously alone and blessed to attend a writers conference. When I had 90 minutes in which to buy souvenirs for the children, the first store I walked into…the FIRST ONE…was “Love Dogs and Cats Too.” And I went straight to the counter, told the store owner my dog story, and promptly spent $16 on a new tag for her collar, complete with my phone number. First $16 spent on vacation went to the dog. I’m sorry I did that. I’m sorry to the world.

Everything that is wrong with me can be summed up in this one picture:

I mean, even the sunglasses atop my head are stupid. But there I am, just moments after returning from Georgia, napping on the couch with my dog. I’m spooning the dog.

Yeah, I guess I have to be sorry if I’m going to spoon with a dog.

Well, I mean. Sure. Probably my dog is less beastly than your beast and probably this apology is totally unnecessary.

Yeah. Never mind. My dog rocks and I’m not that sorry.
m

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