Taking stock

I have one somewhat self-deprecating story to share and one more serious thought. Unfortunately for you, the funny story will wait until tomorrow. It will take longer to type and I’m not in such a funny mood right now. Tonight I am mulling over the meaning of life, noticing the old-age, worked-in-the-yard-all-day ache in my knees, and feeling thoughtful.

I had an almost epiphany today. And almost aha moment. I say almost, because I think I tried to push it away and I’m not sure it has settled inside as deeply as it needs to. I don’t like to feel pain. I guess maybe none of us do, but I think I resist the truth when it becomes too difficult to manage. I think I saw it, and waffled too long between running toward it and running away from it.

I don’t like big, ugly things. (This is a metaphor, for all you math majors out there. I’m not calling you OR me fat and hideous.) Big, but not ugly is okay. Or small and REALLY ugly…also okay. But big and ugly? Not okay. The moment you look at yourself in a mirror and realize you have too much to change is a moment that you either decide to do the hard, HARD work or the moment you decide to walk away and live with big and ugly.

Today I decided it’s time to be a better person all around. It’s time for some discipline. Time for taking stock. Time to stop being tired over the fourth child being born, for crying out Lee-oud. Time to be who I’m supposed to be.  Time to be who my kids deserve. Time to be a better helper to the man of the house. Time to become someone who can live without large regrets.

It’s time.

More on that…and the “Rooster Incident”…tomorrow.

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