New York State of Mind. Vol. 1

The most notable thing about this post is that I’m posting. Lately, this is a rarity. The second most notable thing about this post is that I am posting from the plane. The third most notable thing about this post is that the first two notable things are all I have to say.

Just kidding.

Sort of.

I am flying back from 4 days in New York City. I liked the city before I visited. Now I am obsessed with it. OB-SEessed. I want to post my reflections in a couple of days when I am slightly less fatigued. It is exhausting being a New Yorker. I know, because I am a Yorkie now. I am developing a list of helpful hints for the Yankee-impaired of How to be a REAL New Yorker.

1.  Master the crosswalks.Know the traffic patterns. Move quickly and confidently. Do not take pictures of cute dogs on the sidewalk or M & M guys on the Times Square jumbotron. Keep moving.

2. Do not accept pamphlets. Just don’t. You’re a New Yorker now. They would never accept a flyer about a city bus tour. Sheesh, man.

3.  The answer to ‘Are you a stand-up comedy fan?´ is always no. Todd took this a step farther when the 5th guy to ask us this rephrased it. The guy said, ‘Do you like to have fun?´ Todd, over it like a true New Yorker, said, ‘No, thank you.’ ‘I’m sorry to hear that,’ the man replied in horror. Of course we like to have fun, salesguy. We live in New York now.

4.  Don’t say ‘No, thank you’ to strangers. That’s distinctly Southern.

5.  Do NOT eat at Auntie Anne’s pretzels unless you really, really like them, in which case you can secretly purchase a pretzel and eat it in a dark alley. Throw out the Auntie Anne’s bag.

6.  Don’t pose with ANYONE dressed in a costume in Times Square. They will charge you and likely kill you. Do you want to be killed by a weird-looking Pooh Bear? I don’t think so.

7.  Don’t like pigeons. It is VERY anti-NewYork to like, or even tolerate, the pigeon.

8.  Be super nice to your cab driver and don’t talk so much. They hate the talkers. They can SMELL the talkers.

9.  While not talking in your cab, pick a window to your right or left and stare that direction. If you try to read, you’ll probably vomit….which is way worse than talking…and if you watch where you’re going, you may gasp aloud in fear…also worse than talking.

10.  Make $3,000,000 a year to support your New Yorkish lifestyle, or go home.

Shoot. Guess I’m going home to work on Plan B.

It was magical. And I’ll be back.


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