And here they are:

If you make plans to be gone from home for 22 days straight, do not leave a half-full bag of red potatoes in your pantry with your air turned up to 80. Just don’t.
Do NOT.
I am so dead serious about this.

If the above scenario does indeed occur, just go ahead and set your pantry on fire, stand aside with the fire extinguisher, and never eat another thing that was near those potatoes.
I hope you are really paying attention…

Before you pass the night, 12-6 a.m. might possibly seem like a short six hours. When one kid wakes up wailing at 12:30, 6 a.m. is like the Hope Diamond: you can’t afford it, you’ll never see it, and you should give up completely.

Hugo is a good, calming movie choice for 3:30 a.m. The children will go back to sleep after watching it.

Taking 14 naps that are 15-18 minutes each is not as satisfying as a 6 hour stretch in your bed. This one is free of charge.

Todd is probably the biggest trooper ever. I’ve never seen someone rock a 19 hour trip like he did. I drove for maybe 2 hours.

Kicking your dashboard many times can sometimes cause your AC to start running again in your car. Your feet will smart from the kicking, but that’s a heap better than sitting gamey in 19-hour-old jeans. Jeans.

Don’t wear jeans on a 19-hour road trip in August. How dumb can you be?

Louisiana is a whole lot easier to take when there are only 5 other cars on the road. I mean a WHOLE lot easier. In fact, this is the first trip EVER where I didn’t suffer in this state on either leg of the trip. We must have snuck by them because it was dark and rainy.

This is boring.

Don’t try to go to subway after driving all night. The toppings appear blurry and become very confusing. Also, the subway sandwich artist will not understand why you are so dumb.

If you leave an exhausted child alone in a room, you might come back in to find a scene like this one…

That was 5:10 p.m. I carried her to bed. We’ll see how that goes…

Another fantastic adventure carried through safely with God’s help. I have pretty much only kind things to say about the short people in the car, too.

More stories at another time. If I can’t order a proper sandwich, I shouldn’t try to regale you with stories from the road. You can thank me later. Or now.
Whatever.