Craigslist again. True Stories.

Craigslist Strikes Again
So you want to hear a little sliver of irony? I use and love Craigslist like it alone is keeping me alive. And yet, there is some sort of disconnect keeping me from emailing a person and inquiring about what I want to buy. I have to call the Informinator and get her to email for me with my information.
Oh the irony.
Pretty much can’t be fixed. I’ve tried.
So in the following ad, even if I wanted to contact the person, I couldn’t. I found it funny, though.

Nintendo Ds Lite – $40
I have a red an black Nintendo Ds lite I would like to sell it is in great condition an comes with the charger if interested dont be afraid to txt or call
• it’s ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
post id: 4276468076
posted: 3 days ago
email to friend
♥ best of
I’m not afraid to call or text. This person just didn’t provide a number. Lots of comfort and love…no number. ALso no grammar. Shame on you. Or is it sham on you? See below.

————–
twin beds like new used in guess room
comforters,sheet,shame,and skirt go with it
————-
Oh, I loves me a good guess room. I’ve done some of my best guessing in guess rooms. But I decided not to call on this one because I didn’t want the shame that went with it.
I do not make these up. Promise.

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Time for some new Craigslist nuggets.

I can’t help perusing. At least I can say I am not shopping for iPod nanos at the moment. Right now I’m looking for free pets. Not because I want one or intend to get one. Just because.

Cuz.

Maybe I do it because my other alternative is to watch a full-length documentary film about Sushi. Yes. You read that right. When I went upstairs and told AG it was lights out time, I said, “Daddy is watching a show about sushi.” His reply was, “Daddy watches awkward TV.”

Amen, son. Amen.

Anyway, so I started shopping. Here is a listing from the Pets section of Craigslist:

Hello this is Blue the bunny rabbit. We are finding him a home where he can be loved on and played with alot more than what he does now. He is a very sweet rabbit but needs the love and attention. I already have a male bunny rabbit and 2 males do not get along. So Blue will come with his cage, food bowl, and water bowl. I will also throw in a ziploc bag of food and some rabbit treats. There is a rehome fee of $50 and that includes everything I have listed. If anyone is interested please email me or call me at 8136446455. He will be a great pet for a child or just someone who loves bunny rabbits. Not for food.

This one made me laugh. I have a few comments:

  1. It is a LOT…not ALOT. Please, bunny rabbit owner and world at large…PLEASE hear me on this one. Alot is not a word. When you are saying a lot, you are saying a LOT, which is a group of items. OK? OK. Pheww.
  2. Is anyone else disturbed by the frequent use of the term “Bunny Rabbit” here? It’s very unnatural. I felt stuck in a really terrible family-oriented, low-budget cartoon that was designed to teach tooth-brushing habits.
  3. Rehome fee. What in the world is this really? I see it all the time. Call it what you will, it’s a PURCHASE PRICE. You can’t live with yourself if you sell your pet? Does the term “rehome” help you sleep at night?
  4. Not for food. That one made me laugh.

And here’s one I didn’t understand:

sexty cute doggie stroller…zebra (holiday)

used three times nice stroller…call ___________________

Is there such a thing as a sexty stroller or was that supposed to be sexy? Dog strollers are not sexy. They are stupid. So I am going to just assume that sexty is a word that means “weird.”

And then there’s THIS one:

Boa Collection (St.Pete)

I have several boas I am looking to rehome. It is not about the money however I am just wanting to pick up a different hobby.
Email for pictures.

There’s that rehome word again. It’s not about the money. Yeah, I’ll be it’s not. It’s about finally getting a real night’s sleep once the COLLECTION of life-squeezing vipers is gone. This dude is just looking to “pick up a different hobby” that can’t swallow his head whole.

Dude, try racquetball.

Oh, it’s Krazy, all right

So today I had to drive to the Grand Hyatt Hotel, just past the airport. It was to purchase a gift for my daughter’s upcoming birthday. And since you may already know that I am the Queen of Craigslist, this was a craigslist exchange. The lady meeting me was a professional. She said, “You’ll know me by my blue shirt and grey pants. And I have my hair pulled back.” I replied, “OK, great. You’ll know me because I’ll have 4 feral children with me that do not belong in a Hyatt lobby.”

Self-fulfilling prophecy.

They were wild all right.

None of this is at all important to the story, except to say that I was kinda grumpy with the kids after that. It is in these moments that you wonder where you’ve gone wrong. Actually, I know where I’ve gone wrong. I just don’t know how to make it right. But we’ll get there.

So part of the purchase from today included a case for my son’s ds. This was just a bonus. But there was a piece torn on it. So after nearly wrecking Wendy’s (more grumpiness from me), we walked over to CVS to buy some superglue. This is where the story takes a macabre turn. I opted to buy Krazy Glue, instead of the standard super glue. I don’t know why. it seems like I would have intentionally avoided it over the “k” thing alone. I am very against cutsie misspellings in brand names. Even Krispy Kreme drives me nuts. But the product stands on its own in that particular case.

I was so confident in my gluing skills that I did not read the instructions, prepare a surface, or have any type of back-up plan in place. I just jumped willy nilly into gluing. Before I even realized I had successfully opened the tube, it was oozing everywhere.  My thumb was now glued to my index finger on my left hand. On my right hand, my index finger and my thumb became bonded to the tube of glue, which was still oozing.

I realized immediately that I was in trouble. I think I began making weird wheezing sounds and even the heads of the children playing Wii turned to see what was up.

“Ohhh, nooooo,” I said, with Mama’s Boy watching intently. I immediately pulled on my left thumb and managed to free up that hand. Then I focused on the right hand and managed to free my thumb. The index finger was done, though. There was no going back on that one.  I was now attached rather permanently to the tube. I at least managed to stop the eruption of fresh glue.

Krazy, I tell you.

At this point, I went to the instructions. The instructions I needed were listed under a bold section called: WARNING:

“Avoid contact with skin and eyes. If eye or mouth contact occurs, hold eyelid or mouth open and rince thoroughly but gently with water for only 15 minutes and GET MEDICAL ATTENTION. (Heavens to BETSY! I cannot IMAGINE getting the stuff near my eyes.) If skin bonding occurs (ok, I’m listening now), soak in acetone-based nail polish remover or warm soapy water and carefully peel or roll skin apart (do not pull).”

So, I fixed myself a nice large bowl of warm, soapy water and poured a bottle of nail polish remover into it, for good measure. Then I sat down to wait. And soak. This was at 2:56 p.m. Actually, I really didn’t have time for these shenanigans today. At 3:06, I pulled out the finger to work on it.

Still stuck. Back in the bowl.

Snuggle Monkey needed some assistance in the bathroom. She just had to go it alone today.

And at 3:15, I finally rolled and peeled my skin free. It was red and irritated and still covered with a gluey film. But at least I was free of the tube.

So what does that K stand for? Killer glue substance. Kranky lady kould have read the instructions and didn’t. Kall the doctor immediately, something horrible is klinging to me. Krud.

Speaking of Kranky, in the middle of all my grumbling about how I wish the kids could just put on their best Grand Hyatt faces and sit like angels, Mama’s Boy piped up from the back of the van.

“Mama, I wrote today’s entry in my journal. Can I read it to you?”

Sure, boy. Shoot.

“So far this day is pretty bad. We just can’t act perfect. But luckily, I am going to a sleepover to turn things around. Hopefully it will go well.”

Wow. Now if that doesn’t bring things into krazy klear perspective, nothing will.

We did turn things around.  In more ways than one.

 

Still can’t help it….Here’s one more.

This one is worse.

RESCUESD DOG READY FOR HIS FOREVER HOME HOME (Tampa Bay)


Date: 2012-02-23, 7:30PM EST
Reply to: gmdgq-2855084343@comm.craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?]


Hi I am Mr Sweet. I am a yellow labrador rescue dog. I was SAVED by a nice lady who came and got me from a certain death at a very high kill shelter. Many of my buddies died there as I saw them take them to a room and they came out lifeless. I got so SAD I would be next any hour or any day??!! Then this nice lady came and said you will NOT die today and started calling me by my name (Mr Sweet). I’m a handsome one year old boy,and I only weigh 30lb. I love to play with dogs, I’m ok with cats, and anyone really!!! 🙂 I am a playful boy and aim to please my forever family that me and my foster mom are currently looking for… Can you be my new forever family?? I have been fixed, Micro chipped, and UTD on all my yearly shots. I am a healthy, happy and playful sweet boy ready to come to meet you. Please text or call my foster mom to meet me. 305-896-0463 I look forward to meeting you. There is a one hundred dollar rehoming fee to cover some of my expenses, and for future rescues. Thank you!

I can’t help it.

Sometimes I just HAVE to read Craigslist. Before I post today’s Certifiably Crazy Ad of the Day, I will tell you the end of the “Got a Dog when I was 6” story. This is the part I haven’t told my kids.

We loved Benji for 11 solid years. Toward the end, he had a stroke of some sort and could no longer walk in a straight line. He walked sideways. That was both pitiful and a little bit funny.

But one late night while staying at St. Teresa Beach, he wandered off. Sideways. And walked sideways across the little highway. A truck not driving sideways hit him.

And it was sad.

But I didn’t post on Craigslist about it.

I just blogged about it 24 years later. And now…….here’s your ad of the day. Grammar has been left untouched. Enjoy.

SWIPER needs YOU ASAP (USF/Busch Gardens)

MEEEE—OOOWWW! That’s cat for hello and I want to love you forever! Try saying it? Doesn’t it make YOU feel great inside too, to know a cat wants to love you forever? My name is SWIPER, just like in Dora, and I am an 11 month old gray wish orange swishes and black ring-tail female KITTEN/CAT (that means I am sooo playful that I still think I’m a new bundle of joy, but my age says I’m almost a full grown cat…hmphf…LOL). My humans adopted me when I was barely 6 wks old and I’ve been loved and pampered ever since, but life has taken a toll on my dear humans. While they love me beyond love, they are raising two disabled little grandsons and are being forced to move away to find the right services for them. They found a new house by a special schoo, but that house won’t allow any pets, even with a special deposit. My humans are CRUSHED, and tried to negotiate, especially now that I am to be a mother myself VERY SOON, but the new landlords said aboslutely NO! I am truly a wonderful young feline, and I don’t cause any trouble…have always been around other cats and know to take the high ground if the dogs want to play too rough, and I like to go outside, but then come in to eat and catch some ZZZZZ’s or snuggle. Although this is my first litter, I have helped socialize other newborn kittens a few different times, so it wouldn’t take YOU much effort to feed me, do my litter and just make sure no other living thing eats my babies…..I will be a FANTASTIC mother! I PROMISE I will be good to you and your family if you’ll love mine too until they are old enough to eitehr keep with US, or to re-home…I PROMISE! My humans are running out of time to find me a REAL home, and I don’t know if my human mom will surivive if she must take me and my unborns to a shelter to take my chances! PLEASE don’t let sadness become the fate of all of us! MEEEE—OOOOOWWW!!! lets make a forever love connection! My humans even have litter to get you started if you want it! PLEASE call ASAP….813-464-5837 and leave a message if the humans can’t answer immediately as they are chasing those grandkids! The pics of me won’t upload here, but if you text, they have pics to share showing GORGEOUS, SPECIAL ME! God Bless my new family when they call…AMEN!

This ad is really kind of touching. If only it weren’t written from the perspective of a crazy cat named Swiper having a load of babies out of wedlock.

You had me at “let’s make a forever love connection.”

No, you did not.